Thresh Read online

  Which made her odd insecurity even more inexplicable. Sure, she wasn't a runway model skinny girl. But she was gorgeous. Shit, you ask me, she was gorgeous because of that. She was muscular, strong, fit, healthy as all fuck. But she was still all woman. Fucking perfect.

  So why the hell had she sworn off sex? Why was she so closed off? It couldn't be physical insecurity. She'd stripped off her top easily enough and without qualm, and hadn't tried to cover up. She was also clearly not a novice when it came to sex; the way she'd touched me, the way she'd put her mouth on me...fuck, the girl knew what she was doing. And again, that was a turn-on to me.

  But then she'd just...sworn off all sex for three years, including masturbation? What the hell?

  Furthermore...what the hell was this twist in my gut when I looked at her? Why did I feel so fucking protective of her? The thought of Cain's goons getting their filthy fucking hands on her, doing something to her to get at me? That made my well-controlled temper flare.

  And just looking at her sitting there, completely unselfconscious, hot as fuck, casual and comfortable in a camp in the middle of nowhere, in a place so rustic it was nearly Bronze Age. Everything inside me seemed to just...fuck, I couldn't even find the word.

  It was kind of like desire, kind of like need, kind of like protectiveness, and something more, something deeper, harder, stronger...plus all of that rolled up into a gnarled, tangled ball of seething intensity.

  I tried to shake myself out of it, but the unsettling feeling didn't go away. If anything, it intensified.

  And that was when I realized Tai was watching me intently. He clapped his hand on my shoulder, and spoke in a tone pitched for my ears alone. "Son, I think you just got hooked."

  I flinched and glanced at him. "Wh--um, what?"

  He smirked. "Lola. That look you were giving her. You're caught, hook, line, and sinker."

  I shook my head. "No, I just--fuck, man, I don't know."

  He laughed, then. "No point in fighting it. She's like her mom, got that way of just pulling you in." The humor vanished beneath a wave of old pain at the mention of his wife. "Don't know it's happening till it's done."

  I stared at him. "What are you talking about, Tai?"

  He clapped my shoulder again. "One word, four letters. Rhymes with dove. And you're scared of it."

  Oh.

  Ohhhhh.

  Well...shit.

  10: MEAN SOMETHING

  I have a love-hate relationship with Dad's place. I've spent so many summers out here, fishing, living by campfire and starlight, eating canned fruit and roasted fish and venison and the various crops Dad cultivated here and there on various islands: sweet potatoes, maize, melons, and even a small patch of pumpkins and a few canes of grapes.

  I spent my summers helping him plant and weed his crops, helping him hunt, repairing the home, cleaning fish, cooking, making dugouts. One entire summer was spent replacing the thatch roof, a job which took Dad, Filipo, and me three months working from sunup to sundown to complete, from importing the heavy sheaves of palm leaves to splitting and binding the wood. I was glad to return to Grandma and Grandpa's that fall.

  I love it out here. It's peaceful. It's beautiful. It's a whole other world totally removed from the bustle and chaos of Miami. It's a primeval world, and thanks to Dad, I'm still comfortable out here, even though I don't come out very often anymore.

  But I also hate it, because this place stole my father. When Mom got sick, he began spending more and more time out here between visits to the hospital. I was the one who sat by her bedside all day every day while she wasted away. Dad couldn't watch it. Just couldn't. So he'd vanish into the mangrove forests in his little paopao and fish and hunt until he felt strong enough to face her withered form again. But he wouldn't stay long, and the visits became fewer and fewer, until the doctors told him she was going to die any day, and then he sat on the floor beside her bed, reached up to hold her hand, and told her it was time to go.

  So she went.

  And so did he.

  And then the forest took him.

  It was years before he was anything like his old self again. For the first two years, not even Filipo knew where Dad was. I think he just paddled the Ten Thousand Islands in his paopao and survived on fish and tubers, and focused on forgetting her. He hasn't spoken her name since--which is why I took her last name, so at least one of us had to remember her--but I know he thinks of her. I catch him staring off at the sunset sometimes, which was always Mom's favorite time of day, and that's when Dad says a prayer for her spirit, as the sun sinks beneath the horizon.

  I sat in my favorite chair by the campfire and let my thoughts roam.

  I knew Mom would want me to trust Thresh. She'd want me to give him a chance. What that means, what it looks like, I don't know. She'd see the sweet, tender person buried beneath the warrior's tough exterior. She'd get him to talk about his past and the things that make up his personality. She'd ask about each and every scar on his body, and listen to the stories, no matter what they were. She'd understand.

  But I'm not sure I'm as strong as Mom.

  I'm more like Dad. When something doesn't make sense, or hurts or scares me, it's easier to push whatever it is far away, to run from it, to hide from it, to not face it.

  But I can't do that. Not anymore. Not with Thresh. It's...inexplicable, in some ways. It's not like insta-love, where I'm just immediately falling head over heels for him. It's instant chemistry, yes. It's something about him, his size, his strength, his rugged masculine beauty, his bravery, and now, fuck...the way he touched me, the way he kissed me. All that, yeah, it's stronger than anything I've ever felt. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with him.

  And what does that mean, anyway? In love?

  I thought I was in love, once, and look how that turned out.

  Yeah, fuck that.

  No way.

  But there he was, standing on the edge of the clearing, staring at me with a stunned expression on his face.

  And there was Dad, a string of cleaned fish in hand, his kukri sheathed at his side, carrying his favorite fishing rod and reel. He knelt by the fire and got to work getting the fish roasting, and I, out of habit, went over to help.

  We worked in companionable silence for a few moments, and then Dad eyed me sidelong. "He's got it bad."

  "Dad."

  "Just saying."

  "Don't just say. I'll handle it."

  He worked in silence for a few more moments, filleting the fish and laying them across the roasting stone. "I got a good feeling about him. Won't hear any arguments from me. Maybe he can help you really put everything that you went through fully behind you."

  I sat back on my heels. "Dad, for real. Stop, please."

  "Why?" he asked, tilting his head to one side.

  "Because...it's--because I'm--"

  He hid a grin, ducking to fillet another fish. "Ohhhh, I get it. You've got it just as bad, and you're just as freaked."

  "Since when are you this nosy?"

  He shrugged. "Since my baby girl finally finds a man who's worth half a shit. And that one? Strikes me he's worth a lot more than that, you give him a chance to show it."

  "You just met him, Dad."

  "So did you. But you're telling me you don't get the same feeling from him? You got my sense about people. Most of 'em aren't worth shit. That's why I stay away, can't stand most of 'em. Filipo, your mom...that was it. Only people I trust. But I have a sense about people, and he's a good one."

  "He's a soldier. He's killed people."

  "So's Filipo. He fought in Vietnam."

  "Really?" I hadn't known that; I knew Filipo was older than Dad, but if Filipo fought in Vietnam, he had to be nearly ten or fifteen years older than Dad. "He never talks about it."

  "You've never asked." Typical Dad answer.

  "I watched him, Thresh--I watched him--"

  "Was it just because? For fun? Did he enjoy it?"

  "He was good at it... but no, he was
doing it because they were coming after him, or me, or both. I don't know. But he is so fucking good at it, it's scary. He did it so easily. He didn't enjoy it, but he was good at it."

  "Doesn't make him a bad person. He just knows what he's good at, and it's something a little scary."

  "Killing people?"

  "Protecting." He rose from his knees, took a chair near mine, and wiped his hands on his shorts. "And you know it, Lola. Don't act like you don't. You wouldn't have dared bring him here if you didn't know that about him, trust that about him. And you sure wouldn't have left him alone with me, knowing I was gonna go in after him, get his measure."

  "Did you? Get his measure?"

  Dad chuckled. "Why you think I'm here talking to you about it? I got his measure, and he's not lacking." He lapsed into silence. We were alone; I wasn't sure where Thresh went, or Filipo for that matter. "After we eat, Filipo and I are gonna go check on the crops. I'll stay over at my fishing fale, you know the one. You helped build it, remember?"

  God, did I. That was another summer of brutally hard work. Dad's "fishing fale" was an open-sided hut even more rudimentary than this one. Four pillars, a raised floor, a thatch roof, just big enough for two people to lie down in, over on an island near Dad's favorite fishing spot a few miles from here.

  Basically, Dad was saying he was giving Thresh and me privacy.

  Wonderful.

  *

  Thresh ate a shitload of fish, and even more sweet potatoes, and made idle conversation with Dad and Filipo. It was odd, watching Thresh interact with the two most important men in my life--and, really, my only family since Grandma and Grandpa passed. He was at ease, seemed at home out here, comfortable with my little family, even in this unusual place. I don't know many men whom you could bring to your hermit father's primitive camp in the middle of the wilderness. Thresh just took it all in stride.

  Once we'd all eaten our fill, Dad kissed my cheek, and preceded Filipo out of the clearing. They were heading to the other side of the island, where Dad moored his va'a, the larger, two-person vessel.

  Thresh watched them vanish, and then he looked at me. "Where are they going?"

  "Ostensibly to check on Dad's crops."

  "And in reality?"

  I shrugged, trying to sound a lot more casual than I felt. "To fish, and to give us privacy."

  "Privacy?" Thresh's voice sounded strange--strained, tense.

  "Dad approves of us, apparently." I smiled at him. "He likes you. That's quite a feat. He hasn't liked anyone since he met Filipo, and that was thirty years ago."

  "He's a cool guy. I'm glad he likes me. I don't get intimidated, but if I did, he would do it." He glanced at the house behind us; I still thought of it as a house, even though it wasn't, not in any proper sense of the word--it was home, to me, out here. "Quite a life he's made for himself."

  "It really is. I vacillate between envying him for it and resenting him for it."

  "Why would you resent him?"

  I sighed. Here came the serious talk. "Because I lost him to this place. When Mom got sick, he just...couldn't handle it. I resent him for not having the courage to stay, for me. I needed him, but he couldn't do it. Couldn't face life without her. So I went to live with my grandparents in Fort Lauderdale, until I got into FSU."

  "They still around?"

  "My grandparents? No. They passed when I was twenty-six, both of them the same year. Grandma first, then Grandpa."

  "I'm sorry." He shifted his chair closer to mine. "Sounds like you've lost a lot of loved ones. Your dad's out here, so he's...around, like, alive, but you gotta make that crazy-ass trip just to see him, so..."

  "Yeah. Pretty much everyone is gone. Work makes it hard to come out and see Dad, and...honestly, it's hard for me to be out here. I can't just pop out for a weekend, you know? This place, to live here, you have to sort of shift your mental state. Especially the way Dad does it. Totally off the land, the way people survived for thousands of years before civilization took over. It's not easy."

  "Yeah, I gotcha."

  Thresh added another small stick to the fire--it wasn't large, and it was built from mostly deadfall. Dad refused to cut down trees unless absolutely necessary, seeing as it was illegal, number one, and that the trees were endangered and thus protected. Gathering deadfall branches was another huge daily job, finding it, stacking it, setting it out to dry if necessary.

  The other benefit of a deadfall fire is that it gives off very little smoke, and what little there was got dissipated by the trees, so even someone passing directly overhead wouldn't know we were here.

  I was fighting an internal battle, at that point. I knew Thresh had questions, and I knew I owed him answers. But that meant dredging up memories I'd done my best to repress, suppress, and otherwise totally block out. But if I felt this intense draw to Thresh, if I felt like he was someone truly trustworthy, and that I was willing to take that risk, then I had to put out all the shit I'd kept buried for so long.

  "I was pretty wild in college," I said, by way of opening. Thresh used a long stick to poke at the coals, glanced at me to tell me he was listening. "Typical college stuff, you know? I drank way too much, went to parties, got in trouble. Messed around with college boys.

  "But until I went to college, I'd been pretty sheltered. Dad kept a tight rein on me, didn't let me date, and scared off any guys who ever showed interest. That was high school, for me. Sheltered, protected, kept from really finding myself, or that's how I looked at it back then at least.

  "I went a little nuts, honestly. I'd make out with guys, flash people from balconies or cars, get just absolutely wasted. But all that was a cover, because I was a virgin. I never let anything go too far with guys, even when I was hammered. Dad never came right out and said so in so many words, but he made it obvious that my virginity was special. Something to be given to the right person, when I was ready. And since I'd never really dated, I didn't know how. I didn't know what I was looking for in a guy. So I messed around, right? What we did in the car today, that was as far as things ever went for me. I guess that's why that was easier for me than..." I blinked hard. "Than sex would be...will be."

  "Someone hurt you."

  I nodded. "But not like you're thinking." I met his eyes briefly, before turning back to the fire. "It wasn't rape, or assault, or anything like that."

  "So what happened?"

  I sighed. "I met Jeremy. He was the coolest, sweetest guy I'd ever met. Tall, muscular, enough that I didn't feel like I'd break him. Some guys, they were just...it wasn't about size, it was that I knew I was so much stronger than them, and they knew it, and it intimidated them, and made me feel..." I searched for the word. "I don't know. Like I'd break them, if I got too...excited, you know?"

  Thresh nodded. "I know all too well, babe. Guy my size, those teeny tiny little stick-thin chicks? I just can't do that. I feel like if I got really into things, I'd just snap 'em like twigs."

  "Exactly. Jeremy didn't give me that feeling, and he made me feel beautiful. I've come to accept and love my body since, but back then, I still struggled with things, sometimes. Being taller and stronger than not just other girls, but some guys too. I knew I had curves, especially then, because I didn't take fitness quite as seriously as I do now, so there were even more curves then. But Jeremy made me feel like he genuinely appreciated the way I looked. He was...god, he was so hot." I glanced at Thresh. "Sorry, I know I shouldn't--"

  "Don't apologize, Lola. Doesn't bother me any."

  I breathed in relief. "It's part of it, the way he looked. Because there was an element for me like, god, I really don't deserve this guy. He was popular. Everyone at FSU knew him, loved him. Star quarterback, four-point-oh grade average, hot as sin, and just genuinely seemed like a great guy. Didn't come across as arrogant or anything."

  Thresh frowned. "You're talking about Jeremy Hofflinger, right?"

  I nodded. "Yeah, that's him."

  "Kid had a hell of an arm. Great leader, too."
/>   I sighed; figured that Thresh would know who I was talking about. "That's Jeremy. People liked him, people flocked to him. Just...followed him around. He had a crew, all these people who just wanted to be around him, and when he showed interest in me, it put me at the center of that. Made me feel good. I was never unpopular, but I'd never been part of the real in-crowd, you know? It was awesome. I had cool friends, and they'd throw these amazing parties at their parents' fucking dope Miami condos, or out on yachts...and it only got better. I loved Jeremy, and he loved me." I paused.

  "I guess it's relevant to point out that I didn't meet Jeremy until I was in my graduate program. So I wasn't some naive nineteen-year old. I was twenty-four when I met him. We dated for four months before I got up the courage to tell him I was still a virgin. He was great about it, too. Didn't make fun of me or anything, and promised we'd take things slowly. And we did. We didn't have sex for another two months, and when we did, it was--well, the very first time wasn't anything to write home about, but I could tell he was holding back, going slow and gentle for me.

  "Things got...intense, after that. I really, really, really liked it. Like, a fucking lot. I'd always felt this...yearning, or this crazy part of me, but until I had sex with Jeremy, I didn't know what it was, or what it meant. It was just this...drive, that I'd kept a hold on. And then Jeremy, and I--" I stopped to laugh, because looking back, it was a little funny. "He was shocked by what he had unleashed, once I got my first taste of sex. I was unstoppable. Insatiable. Things got pretty intense pretty fast. I couldn't get enough. I ran Jeremy ragged, honestly."

  Thresh's gaze was unreadable. "Poor Jeremy," he said, his voice dry.

  "Yeah, poor Jeremy." I had to pause to gather courage. "We dated for the next five years. All through the rest of my graduate program and my doctorate and into my residency. I thought he was it. We talked about marriage, we even talked about kids, once I was done with my residency." I had to stop, choked up, thinking about all those plans, how excited I'd been for our life, how much I'd loved him.