Falling into Us Read online

Page 32

“Sounds good,” Nell said. “That gives us time to explore New Orleans a bit anyway. ”

  Saturday was only two days away, and I had a huge paper due for class that Friday. Mom and Dad were asleep on the couch when Jason and I got home a few hours later, Ben passed out across their laps, sprawled out as only a toddler can do. Jason carried Ben up to his crib while I shook my parents awake so they could go to bed in the guest suite.

  In bed, Jason turned to face me, his eyes heavy with sleepiness. “Does Nell know what Benny’s middle name is?”

  I sighed. “I don’t think so. It’s never come up, I guess. I just call him Ben, or Benny. ”

  As soon as we’d found out the gender of the baby growing inside me, I’d decided to name him Ben, and Jason had agreed. It seemed only natural, then, to give him Kyle’s name as well. I knew Nell was doing worlds better these days, but I also knew reminders were still hard. After all, it was still difficult for me to talk about my brother without getting choked up, so I imagined it must be similar for Nell.

  * * *

  Becca

  Two days later

  Mom and Dad had gone back to Michigan and Jason was still at practice, so I was home alone with Benny, trying to cook dinner and get the house cleaned before Colt and Nell showed up. Jason’s salary even as a rookie was enough that we could have afforded help around the house, but I felt strange about paying someone else to take care of my child or clean my toilet, so I’d put my foot down. Today, however, I found myself halfway wishing I had someone else around to keep Benny out of trouble.

  He was a fearless one, my little boy. He had no qualms about climbing on to the back of a couch and throwing himself off, just to see what would happen. He also had a penchant for climbing onto the kitchen table and toppling backward off it. The first few times I heard the thump and the subsequent squeal, I felt like the worst mother in the world. Even though I’d only turned my back for five seconds to fill his sippy cup, I still felt as though I should’ve been watching him more closely. He never hurt himself, I came to realize. His cries after falling off the table were more from fear and embarrassment than actual pain, since he never seemed to learn. He would fall off, crack his head on the floor, scream and kick his feet until I kissed him and hugged him all better, but then he would be right back up on the table five minutes later, giggling and doing the booty-scoot across the table…. straight off the edge once more.

  Now, with my hands drenched in raw chicken juice as I trimmed the fat off a bag of boneless skinless br**sts, I heard the telltale impish giggling of Ben doing something he would regret in about ten seconds. I turned away from the counter with the carving knife held point up, effluvia-coated other hand held away from my body, scanning the open-plan kitchen and living room.

  “Benny! God, you little troublemaker!” I huffed.

  He was standing on top of the flat-topped, waist-high entertainment center, a red and yellow plastic hammer in one hand and his favorite stuffed giraffe in the other. He was bouncing up and down, the butt end of the hammer shoved into his mouth, muffling his giggles. He was daring me to come and get him, I knew. He’d pushed his miniature folding Mickey Mouse Clubhouse camp chair over to the entertainment center so he climb up onto it and was now doing a come-and-get-me-Mom-I-dare-you dance, waving Giraffey at me.

  I set the knife down and nudged the faucet on with my wrist, washing my hands swiftly while keeping one eye glued to Ben the entire time. I was a good fifteen feet away from him, across the kitchen, so if he started to fall, there wasn’t much I could do to stop him. I dried my hands cursorily on the hand towel hanging from the microwave handle and then approached Ben. It was kind of like a lion stalking prey; if I moved too quickly, Benny would bolt in an attempt to get away, so I had to move slowly and non-threateningly until I was close enough to lunge for him. As soon as I got within arm’s reach, Benny scrambled onto his belly, searching for the bottom of the chair with his little toes, giggling wildly and watching me over his shoulder. I scooped him up into my arms and rolled him so his tan little belly was exposed. He shrieked and kicked, but he couldn’t stop the raspberry. He didn’t really want me to stop anyway, but the fight was part of the fun for him.

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  “You can’t be up there, you little monkey,” I told him between raspberries. “You gotta stay off the TV stand, silly. No, Benny. No. ” I pointed at the entertainment center as I said “no,” serious now.

  Ben caught my stern tone and wiggled to get down. “I do. ” He scrambled up onto the chair and made to climb back onto the TV stand. He patted the top of the dark-stained wood with his little hand. “I do. ”

  I scooped him up again and crossed the living room, tossing him onto the couch. “You don’t. No, Benny. No. No climbing. ”

  He made an angry face at me and smacked my arm. “I do. ”

  I caught his hand before he could smack me again and gave him a stern glare. “No, sir. No hitting. You don’t hit Mommy. ”

  He rubbed his eyes then, toys still firmly gripped in each hand. “Mama. ” He leaned forward and bumped me with his forehead, pretending to cry now.

  I gathered him up and sat him on my lap. “That’s right. Be nice to Mommy. ” I turned his face up to mine. “Kisses?”

  He pressed his cheek to my lips so I could kiss him and then scrambled off my lap, running at full-tilt toddler speed, cackling, “I do, I do!”

  Right on to the table. I sighed, waited until he was solidly on the tabletop, and then scooped him up and plopped him back on the couch. “How about a show so Mommy can finish dinner before Auntie Nell and Uncle Colt get here?”

  He waved his hammer and giraffe at the TV. “House, house, house!” he chanted, meaning he wanted Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

  I turned on a DVR’d episode of his favorite show and ruffled his curly dark hair. “Now stay out of trouble for five consecutive minutes, please. ”

  I managed to get dinner made by the time Jason came home, slamming the door to the garage with his foot.

  “Where’s my little man?” he called, dropping his gear bag on the floor of the laundry room and peeling his sweat-stained tank top off. Jason hated showering at the team gym for some reason, so he always came home sweating and smelly. It may have been because he knew it turned me on, though. I hadn’t changed yet, so had no problem with letting him wrap his sweat-slick arms around me and kiss me breathless.

  Benny came running around the corner at that moment, show forgotten. He slammed into Jason’s legs and clawed at his shorts, trying to get up. Jason scooped him up, tossed him into the air, and caught him, nibbling at his belly until Benny squealed and wiggled free.

  “Give Daddy a kiss,” Jason said, kneeling down to Benny’s level.

  Benny threw himself at Jason and gave him a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss on his chin.

  I huffed in exasperation. “Ugh. He’ll give you a kiss, but he won’t give me one. He’ll let me kiss him, but he won’t kiss me. No fair. ”

  Jason laughed. “He must just love me best. ” He clutched Ben against him in mock-possessiveness.

  I made a sad face and turned away, pretending to cry. “I want a kiss,” I wailed.

  I watched out of the corner of my eye as Benny glanced at Jason in consternation, then to me.

  “Better give her a kiss,” Jason advised. “Mommy gets very sad when she doesn’t get kisses. ”

  Benny wiggled out of Jason’s grip and toddled over to me, wrapping his arms around one of my legs and peering up at me in concern. “Mama?”

  I kneeled down and held him by his shoulders. “Can I have a kiss, just like Daddy?”

  Benny smiled at me and gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. “I do,” he said, which was his phrase for just about every situation.

  “I’m gonna shower and change real quick, then I’ll finish dinner so you can get ready,” Jason said. “What time are they coming?”

  “Six-thirty,”
I said, “and it’s already a quarter to six, so hurry up. ”

  By the time I’d finished showering and getting ready, Nell and Colt had already arrived and were on the living room floor playing with Benny while Jason finished the sides and set the table. I stood on the middle stair, unseen as yet, watching Nell help Benny stack blocks while Colt tried to knock them down, much to Benny’s delight. As soon as they had four or six colored wooden blocks stacked up, Colt would drive a toy truck through the bottom, making the kind of rumbling, sputtering engine noise only a boy could make. Benny would shriek and laugh when the tower of blocks fell, turning to Nell and handing her an armload of blocks so she could stack them again.

  I watched this play out several times, and each time my emotions got further and further out of control. Something about watching Nell play with my son had me in tears. She was so happy, so completely content and in the moment, joy shining from her eyes, totally unreserved. Colt saw it, too, his eyes glued to Nell’s face as she played with Benny. I saw the love he had for her, and it only made me sniffle that much more. I remembered all too vividly the day I’d walked into her room as she dragged a razor across her wrist. I remembered smelling alcohol on her breath and seeing the desperation in her eyes, the deeply buried heartache.

  I descended the rest of the stairs and sat on the floor next to Nell, helping her stack blocks.

  She smiled at me and nodded at Ben. “He’s amazing. He’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. ”

  “Thanks. He’s a troublemaker extraordinaire, but he makes up for it sheer cuteness. ”

  “He looks so much like both of you,” she said. She glanced at me, hesitant. “You named him for your brother?”

  I nodded, swallowing hard. “Yeah. We never even considered another name. ” It was my turn to be hesitant then. “He…his middle name is Kyle. ”

  Nell sucked in a quick breath. Colt tensed but kept playing with Ben, ramming trucks together.

  “Benjamin Kyle. ” Nell stared at the carpeting between her crossed legs. “It’s a good name. He even kind of looks like Kyle a little bit. ”

  “It’s his eyes, I think. Different color, but they’re shaped kind of like Kyle’s were. ”

  Nell nodded. “He’s a great kid. ” She obviously wasn’t sure what else to say, staring at Benny as if seeing Kyle somehow. She visibly gathered herself, pushing away the memories I could see playing in her eyes. “So, Colt and I discussed potential wedding dates. ”

  “Oh, god,” Colt said. “I think I’ll go help Jason. ” He stood up, and Benny followed him, grabbing Colt’s thumb and walking with him.

  “What is it with men?” Nell asked, laughing. “Why are they so afraid of wedding plans?”

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  I laughed with her. “I don’t know. Jason acted like every little decision was taking years off his life. Either that, or if I gave him a choice between two things, he’d act like he couldn’t tell the difference. It’s just funny. ”

  We watched as Colt and Benny put silverware on the table, Benny climbing up on each chair in turn to put a fork and spoon on the plates while Colt came behind him with knives and rearranged the silverware to each side of the plate. I thought about saying something, but I decided to let it play out. Sure enough, once Benny did the last plate and saw what Colt was doing, he glared at Colt.

  “I do. ” Benny scrambled off the chair, went to the head of the table, and gathered all three pieces of silverware and put them back on the plate, glancing at Colt to make sure he got the message.

  “Benny is kind of particular about certain things,” I said to Colt. “Silverware goes on the plate in this house. ”

  Colt stared at Benny, then at me, then at the plate, and finally shrugged. “Okay, then, on the plates it is. ” He then went back around the table, putting silverware on the plates.

  Benny watched in satisfaction, then dragged Colt to the fridge and handed him a sippy cup. “Juice. ”

  Nell and I watched Colt with Ben, and then met each other’s eyes.

  “Is that on the horizon for you two?” I asked, gesturing at Nell’s fiancé and my child.

  Nell shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not come up yet. I have a feeling it’s going to after today. ”

  “How do you feel about it?”

  Nell was silent for a while, and then shrugged again. “I don’t know. Part of me is thrilled at the idea of having a baby. Benny is so cute, so much fun. Colt would be such an amazing father. But…it’s scary, too. What if…what if I have another miscarriage? The doctor said it was just one of things that happens sometimes. Like, I didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s no medical reason I shouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term, but…I still worry. Sometimes I still feel…fragile, emotionally. I think I’m gonna be healing for the rest of my life in some ways. Am I even fit to be a mother? I mean, how do I tell a kid how their father and I met? How do you explain that to an adult, much less a child? What if we have a kid and they ask me about the scars on my wrists? What do I say?”

  I thought about my answer for long moments. “I’m not dismissing your concerns, Nell, but I think you’re over-thinking it. That’s all stuff you’ll have to deal with in time. But having a child? As long as you have a good relationship with Colt, it’ll all work out. Having a baby…it changes things. It changes you. It changes your relationship. It’s hard, I won’t deny that. Being a parent is at once the hardest and scariest yet most rewarding thing you’ll do. ” My eyes followed Jason as he pulled the chicken out of the oven and cut into it to check its doneness. “Jason and I weren’t ready for a kid, Nell. We weren’t. Benny was a total surprise. You know that. And we sometimes wonder what we’ll tell him if he were to ever ask why his birthday is less than a month after our anniversary. He’ll put that together one day, and we’re gonna have to find an answer. But…it doesn’t really matter, in the big picture. You and Colt love each other. You’re in it for the long haul. Don’t hold yourself back from having a child just because you’re afraid of all the what-ifs. If you’re ready, you’re ready. The questions will be answered in their own time. The moment you hold your baby for the first time, you just…you know. Everything is different, and even if you could go back, you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change anything in my life, because it’s all led me to where I am now. I’m married to the love of my life, my best friend and my…my everything. I’ve never been with anyone else, and I never will be, no matter what happens in the future. And I have my baby boy, my sweet little Benny. If changing even one thing in my life meant not coming to this place in my life, it’s not worth it. ”

  Nell scratched with a fingernail at a juice stain on the carpet. “I know what you mean. I’m so happy in my life now. Most of the time. I have Colton, and I’m touring the country making music. It’s a dream come true, a dream I never knew I wanted until I had it. I can’t imagine any other life for myself, I really can’t. I mean, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the night I lie awake and wonder where I’d be if…if Kyle had lived. I’d have gone to Stanford, and we’d probably have a couple kids by now, and I’d be working in an office, wearing power suits and assembling Powerpoint presentations for execs. ” She shuddered dramatically. “I’m glad I dodged that career. That’s not me. That life…that’s all a what-if, and it’s a moot point. I wonder, but I don’t wish for it, because…god, this is something I struggled with so hard for so long…because as much as I loved Kyle, Colton is perfect for me. ”

  “Well, you and Kyle were so young, you know, so it might be impossible to say what would have happened between you. ”

  “No younger than you and Jason when you two got together. You’re the same age as me, twenty-four. But you guys have been together for how long now?”

  “Eight years. ”

  “You’re twenty-four, but you’ve been with Jason for eight years. That’s longer than most relationships ever last. ”

  “And in some ways, it
feels like we’re just getting started. Benny is almost two already, but it feels like in some ways I just had him. We’re talking about having another one, actually. Jason wants a little girl. ”

  Jason announced that dinner was ready, so the conversation was cut short, but I caught Nell watching Benny with a speculative light in her eye. Colton saw it, too, but the same gleam was in his expression whenever he bent to listen to Benny jabber around a mouthful of food.

  I had a feeling I’d be hearing some news in a few months.

  * * *

  Becca

  The following May

  I struggled to hold back tears as I straightened the train of Nell’s stunning dress. It was strapless with an empire waist and a sweetheart neckline, tasteful beading on the bodice and a back that plunged daringly low. Her strawberry blonde hair was piled on her head in a complex arrangement of pins and knots, with a few wisps dangling free to frame her beautiful face. Her gray-green eyes gleamed with excitement as she turned in place slowly to give me a chance to rearrange the gown around her feet.

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  I took her bouquet of white calla lilies with dark purple centers, holding it with my smaller matching bouquet. Colt…well, I was a happily married woman more in love with Jason every day, but Colt was so handsome it almost hurt to look at him. He’d had his usually long and messy hair cut short and neat, and he was shaved clean so his hard, rugged jawline stood out. His eyes were an electric, lightning blue so vivid they mesmerized even as I entered from the back of the chapel. His tux was perfectly creased, black and white and formal, and suiting his muscular frame as if he’d been born in it.

  Jason stood two spots away from Colt, and it took every ounce of willpower I had to not drag him into the back of the church and have my way with him. Colt might have been stunningly good-looking, but Jason? He was a dream, a fantasy. His blond hair was freshly cropped and artfully messy and spiked, his green eyes catching the brilliant sun like cut jades. His arms bulged out the sleeves of the tuxedo coat, and his powerful neck strained the collar of his shirt. He was, in a word, statuesque. Michelangelo himself couldn’t have sculpted a more perfect specimen of a man. To me, at least.

  The doors opened once more as Nell held Colt’s hands, and all eyes turned to the back of the chapel. Benny, now just turned two, stood in the doorway wearing his own little tux, shoes tiny and shined to a polish, a clip-on tie at his neck and his hair slicked back. I could feel him psyching himself up as he stood frozen in the doorway, the pillow with the rings held on his outstretched hands. He glanced over at the audience, frowning as he realized how many people were watching.

  And then he proved that he was, above all else, his father’s son. He straightened his back, held his head high, and marched confidently down the aisle, his gaze never wavering. He fixed his eyes on Nell, whom he had come to absolutely adore. He knew she was his goal, as he’d been told over and over again that his job was to bring the rings safely to Aunt Nelly.

 

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